One thing I never take personally when it does not happen as I anticipated is a hookup.
Sex is my favorite exercise, and no other form of exercise sends my mind into a deep state of euphoria and ends where my body feels more relaxed and pleasant than before I started it. If there were no possible adverse outcomes from sex, I would do all I could to make it my daily morning and bedtime activity. If I could not meet a partner with similar desires, I would happily engage with as many partners as possible to satisfy my routine.
Thus, when I anticipate a hookup and miss out on something I expected to pleasure me deeply and provide relief, I have not felt any negative emotion about the failed hookup in over 15 years. I was in my mid-20s when I felt distraught by a promised hookup who stood me up after messaging each other over the internet. I believe the messaging site was Men4Now at that time.
I remember internalizing the possible reasons why my hookup never happened. Internalizing things that did not go my way, especially from others’ control, was a habit for me until recent years, with sound therapy sessions and repeated friendly advice. I wondered if the ghosting I endured during my younger years stemmed from not giving off better masculine energy, whether my looks were not attractive as the others being messaged, and whether my messages seemed too passive, too eager, or not interesting enough. I am glad to have outgrown that inner saboteur.
Instead of internalizing why I was ghosted or feeling anger or disappointment after recognizing a failed hookup, I think about the following.
- I have free time to do something else I want to do or a task I put off.
- I can chill out, catch up on television shows, listen to good music, or nap.
- I may have missed catching an STD and paying medical bills and medication to get rid of it.
- I may have missed out on dealing with someone who wanted to pursue a courtship or relationship with me when my ultimate goal with him was just a one-and-done or a friends-with-benefits situation at most.
- I missed an insane dude, a moocher, a thief, an anti-gay assaulter, or a robber.
- I may have missed disappointing sex. I rather have no sex than underwhelming sex.
Therapy, and many hard-learned lessons, taught me to find a silver lining in challenging situations. Thus, most of my challenging situations end with peace and solution rather than stress.
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